Mother's Love
by Jo0natan
Summary: It's Jim's birthday and when have his birthdays ever been nice?


**I swear I meant to write the next chapter of Only the Good Die Young but this thing kept circling my brain like a shark, and now, since I'm slightly drunk, it actually came out. All typos and weird sentences and actually this whole messed up story can be blamed on my less than sober state. And a movie I saw a couple of years ago that I can't forget. And insomnia. **

**Every time I write about Jim I seem to really want to make him suffer and this is no exception. Also, this story is really messed up.**

**I'm keeping this T rated BUT there are mentions of attempted sexual assault and also there is a lot of swearing. So if you think the rating should be changed, tell me, and I'll change the rating. **

**I don't own Star Trek, Star Wars, Stargate or any other Star related format whatsoever.**

* * *

Usually you spend your birthdays with Bones, but this time he's in Georgia, spending the last days of the Christmas vacation with Joanna, his daughter. And it's okay, it really is. You're happy for him, honestly. He gets to see his daughter too little as it is. It's just, it would be nice to have someone there, to "celebrate" with. Someone who'd share a bottle of scotch with you until one or both of you passed out. Someone to listen to your silence and the words you don't say, even if they're hanging in the air. Like last year. But hey, you're now 24 years old and you're James T. fucking Kirk, you can do this on your own. It's just, drinking alone is so fucking sad, so you head out.

Three hours and six bars later and your preeetty drunk. And it's cool. Sure, it would have been nice if your mom had bothered to remember it's your birthday. Sure, it would have been nice to hear from your brother. But hey, Pike sent you a message saying Happy Birthday.

You're at the bar, ordering another drink, when suddenly you feel someone tugging your hand and you turn and her lips are crushing yours and for a while you freeze at the unexpected contact, then you figure it's okay and start even kissing back and _then, _then your eyes finally focus and you realize who it is. And you push her away as fast as you can.

"Winona?"

And it's a question as much as it's an exclamation and what the fuck just happened? Your mom, whom you haven't heard of in ages, who can't stand to look at you and who you're pretty sure hates you because you're not your father, is looking at you with the weirdest look in her eyes. It's lust and sadness and grief and love all mixed into one.

"George."

She says that one word that explains the whole situation to you. She's fucking wasted and she thinks you're your father. George Kirk, captain extraordinaire, who gave his life to save hundreds of others. Well fuck him. It's his fault you're wasted and she's wasted and you should've known you're not the only one who thinks this day is best spent in a drunken stupor. After you've participated in the memorial service, of course. People need to see something good came out of the whole Kelvin incident, so the Starfleet parades you around the whole day, praising your academic skills and how you're the best fucking cadet in the academy. All the fights and sleeping around and showing up to class hungover is swept under a carpet and you spend the day talking to the survivors and nodding and smiling until your cheeks hurt.

And now she's here and she couldn't even bother to let you know she's back on Earth.

"You came back, I knew you'd come back. I love you George, please don't leave me again. Oh George."

And she's rambling and you realize you are going to have to take care of her because there's no one else around to do that and because she is, after all, your mother. It doesn't matter if you're not exactly sober either, fighting to stay on your feet. She's well past that point and, apparently, she's now your responsibility.

She tries to kiss you again and you sidestep and she almost falls to the ground and now she's crying and you know you have to get her out of here. So you start walking her out of the bar while she looks at you with tears on her eyes and asks:

"Why did you leave me George?"

You get to your dorm room and you had to take her with you because she wouldn't tell you where she's staying and she wouldn't let go of your arm and so you just gave up. For once you're grateful Bones isn't here because you really don't want to explain this to him so you just put her to his bed. She passes out immediately. You take the time to take off your clothes and then you fall to your own bed and you pass out as well, because, well, you're drunk as hell.

* * *

It's the middle of the night when you wake up and realize someone is on all fours on top of you. You can't see who it is and your brain is still muddled from last night and you're probably still drunk. They start reaching for you boxers and suddenly they slid their hand inside and start rubbing and you just assume it's Gaila because, well, who else could it be?

And then there's a breathy voice in your ear.

"Oh, George!"

And last night comes running back. And you're out of the bed faster than you can say "fuck" and she's looking at you, still not realizing that you're not, in fact, your dead father. And she starts walking towards you and you start backing away because this is wrong on so many levels and you feel your back hit the wall except it's the bathroom door and you open it and get inside and lock it and only then you take your first breath after you woke up to your _mother_ feeling you up.

She's still outside, calling for you, no, calling for George and you can't take it. You get to the sink and splash some cold water on your face. And then you catch a look of yourself in the mirror above the sink and stop to stare. Blond hair, strong jaw, high cheekbones, you look exactly like your father except your eyes, your startling blue eyes, which are a result of your birth in space when you were exposed to some weird space radiation thing that is too complicated for your drunk brain.

Suddenly you're disgusted by what you see in the mirror so you smash your fist through the glass, not caring that it hurts like shit, not caring that now your knuckles are bleeding and there are tiny shards of glass stuck there. It doesn't matter because you don't matter. You're just a carbon copy of your father. You, as yourself, are worth nothing. Every time people look at you they are looking at your father, thinking how much better the father was compared to the son. 24 years ago the world lost a great man and got you in his stead and you will never be enough. Even your mother thinks so.

Your mother. Winona Kirk. Who just tried to… and you almost let her. You can't get to the toilet seat fast enough and then you're throwing up the contents of your stomach. And even when your stomach is empty and there's nothing but stomach acid coming up you still can't stop. Because your mother just tried to have sex with you. Your mother tried to fuck you. And that is the most twisted thing in the universe and it's disgusting and you're disgusting and holy fuck your family is messed up.

Finally you've stopped dry heaving and you're just leaning on the toilet seat now, not willing to get up and actually kind of frightened of what you'll find on the other side of that door. So you just sit there, with your head throbbing and your hand in agony and still bleeding and still feeling nauseous. You'd take a shower if you could, and you probably wouldn't leave that shower until you had scrubbed every inch of you r body clean thrice, but you're feeling so fucking weak that you can't get your legs to move. So you just sit there, staring at nothing, waiting for morning to come.

* * *

You think you may have fallen asleep at some point when suddenly you hear Bones calling your name.

"Jim! Hey, happy late birthday man, I got you a present. Jim? Jim!"

And then he's there at the bathroom door and he's trying to break through and it takes all your strength but you manage to stand up and unlock the door. Bones looks at you like you like he's seen a ghost and you suppose you're quite a sight. Standing there in your boxers, your hand a bloody mess, dark circles under your eyes but you don't have time to look at him, you're staring at the apartment and it's empty. She's gone. Winona is gone without a trace, and you wonder if she even realizes what happened last night. If she knows what she tried to do. And then you're swaying, about to fall, you guess that you've lost quite a lot of blood since your hand is still bleeding and Bones is there to catch you and he's shouting at you and you can't hear him, you're just happy he's there to catch you. Bones is always there to catch you.

* * *

**I told you it was gonna be messed up. But if you made to the end, please tell me what you think. **


End file.
